Lately those blasted restless nights have been coming back to me. Granted, I don’t even try to get to bed until 3 a.m. or later (so maybe it’s partly my fault) but even still, when I lie in bed at night with nothing but my thoughts, my heart aches, and I have not so recently come to the realization that I am lonely. As a Christian, it’s only instinctual for my first reaction to this kind of statement to be “God can fill that void, He can soothe that ache in your heart,” and He most certainly can, but what I feel I am longing for is human companionship, and more specifically, human companionship of the female variety.
I used to think that all I needed in life was music and God to be content, that if I could live out my dream of becoming a successful musician and go on tour singing in an awesome band that I wouldn’t need a girlfriend or wife to make me happy. As I’ve matured and grown up a little bit, my musical aspirations and dreams have stayed pretty much the same but my perspective on the “girlfriend” issue sure has changed. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that when I went off to college, I literally knew nobody there, not a single person. I’m sure you can imagine that at first I was a little lonely.
Also, I’ve been experiencing (and I know I’m not the only one) a strange phenomenon a lot of kids around my age do. I’m not sure what to call it but it’s when it seems like all of your friends and everyone you know is either married, engaged, planning to be engaged, or just plain in love. Now, it’s never actually all your friends and everyone you know, but to someone who’s longing for that kind of relationship, reality on the matter is easily skewed.
Just a couple of nights ago I was talking to one of my good friends about his first semester, and somehow we got on the topic of him and his girlfriend. He kept telling me how perfect and beautiful she is, and how the two of them were like best friends, but how they were slowing the relationship down so that they could both get their lives on track and get closer to God, but also that there was no doubt in either of their minds that they loved each other. I asked him the question, “So, do you think she’s the one?” And without hesitation he answered with yes. One of MY friends is going to be getting married. That’s one of those moments where you realize that you’re not a kid anymore.
In regards to marriage, I’ve always believed that God has someone special for most everybody, but only most everybody because I also believe that some people are called to be single. By “single” I don’t mean being an awesome bachelor and sleeping around with girls and having fun all the time. As a Christian, if you’re “called to be single” it’s actually a “consecrated” single life (at least that’s the Catholic term), meaning you live to serve God. And since there’s no sex allowed outside of marriage, that means no sex whatsoever. You might as well become a Catholic Priest at that point. My father was actually discerning the priesthood at one point in his life (shortly before he met my mother). I used to think that maybe I was one of those people. I also used to think that I’d be okay with that. Now I hope to God that I’m not one of those people. (I mean, I couldn’t last a lifetime without sex!?!… You know that’s not the only reason, but seriously you know you were thinking it too.)
For now, there’s nothing I can do except be patient. I have faith that God will place the right girl in my life sooner or later, and that when He does, it will be amazing. It’s a comforting thought to think that maybe when I’m up late at night thinking about her, she’s having trouble sleeping too, and thinking about me…